Love is life

18Aug09

So there is this thing. It’s called love. It’s an amazing thing. It can change the world to a person within seconds.
What will a person do for love? It’s a hard question to answer, and it’s one thing I’m faced with everyday.
I’m faced with two loves. The love for my children, and the love for my ex-husband.
The love for my children, I like to refer to it as the end all be all love. It’s the love that creates an unwritten rule that declares everything you do is for them. No matter what it is. Even if it’s “me time,” it is still for them ( you know so you don’t loose your mind and kill everyone).
Then there is my love for my ex-husband Jim. This love I call my self abusive love. The love that causing my will to walk away from him to allow him to grow. The love that makes me walk away, without looking back (so he can’t see my tears) for his happiness. The love that makes me cry everytime he tells me stories of his self distruction.
I live for love. Music and love are my religions. To me, the both of them are essential to the being of exsistance. Without one, you can’t have the other.
Unfortunately at this point in time, I feel without love. Not the natural love of my children, but the foundation, columns and walls of a relationship. I feel the foundation, I see the columns and the dry wall is being ordered… But it’s a situation where the contractor has walked away.

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Clearly in hell

15Aug09

Over the past year, I’ve discussed love, lust and money issues. All hinting and leading to the ultimate issue of stress.
This post will not be any different.
The past three months have been horrible, with one great thing.
It all started with the housing and money issues. Ei left me high and dry and social assistance was giving me a run around. I began to make phone calls not only to the social assitance (welfare) offices, but to outside community orginizations. Always inquirering about money and housing.
After about two weeks of constant contact with social workers I finally made head way with applying for welfare.
It was about two weeks later I was able to apply for rent controlled housing. Unfortunately, my friends lease ( whom I was staying with) was up in three weeks.
To this day, I am still without rent controlled housing. I am roughing it in my friends living room still after he moved out. No money. Barely any food. I’ve spent every day struggling to meet my emotional demands, but also my living demands.
The one great thing? I found a job. An amazing job. A job that makes me happy to go into work. Mind you I am still in training, but if I’m happy about training, I hope everything will be happy.
I’m in limbo. I honestly don’t know if I’ll get a home, as I haven’t met all the requirments. I’m scared. I’m terrorfied actually. I’m scared that if I don’t find a home soon, the kids won’t be coming home soon. And I feel if I stay without them much longer, I’ll get too used to it. Too happy with it. I’ve avoiding bars for that very reason.

Now most of my entries have been love,relationship issues, etc etc. And I don’t have many going on right now.
I haven’t dated in forever, haven’t gotten laid in a while (yes Jim was my last man…)….
I’ll be honest, I’m not interested in sex. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I’m feeling too old for my age.
Jim is bugging me for the divorce again. And I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to stay happy. I’m trying to stay alive to be 100% honest. But sadly enough, the only thing I’m looking forward to is the Marilyn Manson concert here in Halifax in September.
But I don’t know about afterwards.

So these issues. These problems. And a lack of therapy, may rejuvinate my blog.

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Nightmares

21Jun09

I haven’t writen anything in a long time. It’s not that I’ve forgot, or ignored this. Just avoided writing things out. I don’t know why, but I guess … Reality hurts.
I haven’t ever mentioned my nightmares before. But a year later, and they still hurt like when they started.
They started when I broke up with Jim. I never thought I’d loose him as a friend, let alone a husband. But that unfortunately happened due to certain circumstances where he lived my pain. And unfortunately, I bore the bad news to him.
That pain is something I’ve been suffering through for the past year. And up until yesterday I thought I was over it.
These nightmares happened every night up until three weeks ago. I got so used to them, eventually last fall I stopped waking up crying. I made it past our one year make of single-hood. I made it past our 3 year wedding anniversary. I survived. And the dreams stopped.
But last night they came back with avengance.
The main one that I’ve had more than others is the disturbing one. But let me start with the first one I had last night….
(I’ve only ever had this dream a couple of times. All when we were all living together thought. And it was always her. Not this time thought…)

In my dream, Jim and I were living together again. Not as a couple, but roommates. I was asleep in my dream and I heard him come home. I hear giggling. All of a sudden I’m in his room with a glass of red wine and I throw it at this beautiful woman that he was with. She of course was upset as was Jim. We had a bit of a yelling match. Next thing I know, time had past and I was in the hallway, hearing soft moaning. I again storm into his room. The woman was spread along the bed nude, and he was standing the way he does sometimes when he’s sliding on a condom. I wrapped my arm around his neck and dragged him out the room. And I broke down, the way I always did when I just wanted him to comfort me. I hit him. I yelled he yelled. He grabbed my arms and pushed me away. My knees buckle and I’m heaving in a panic, crying so hard.
Then I awoke.
I was awake for 20 or so minutes… Then I went back to sleep and the regular dream came back.

In this dream, Jim and I are at a new apartment. White walls white doors. Very sterile hallway. We are kissing and huging. I turn around to unlock our door for the first time. I open it, turn around and he’s gone. He’s at the end of the hallway smiling at me. He turns down another hallway and I begin chasing him calling out his name. I follow him down that hallway, but he’s gone. No matter what hallway, or door I open…he’s gone.

That’s the dream that has been brewing in my mind for the past year. I’ve kept it very secret because of my reputation that the break up has given me. “the psychotic ex.”

Now when I say the dreams are back with avengence. I mean it. I had two naps today because of my horrible sleep. Each one filled with this dream. And I just slept for one hour, filled with the search for him.
I don’t know what any of this means, if anything. I don’t know if I believe that dreams mean anything. What I do know is I thought I was doing great. I though I was over him. And these dreams won’t let me forget.

To tell you the truth, I’ve been wanting to sleep with him again for the past three weeks. Stupid, I know. But deep down, I want to break down and cry. And have him hold me like he used to. It hurts to breathe, think, cry. It hurts to sleep. It hasn’t been like this for a while. This started about a week ago.

My whole life has been flipped upside down because of this divorce, and I’m really backed into a corner that I don’t think I can get out of…

Not without him.

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Life Plan

02May09

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, while I’ve not be able to work (doctors orders). Trying to figure out if this is the best time to go one way or the other.

I think I’ve figured out wht I want to do. I want to go back to school. I want to do something that I enjoy doing. Cosmetology. I love doing hair, I love doing make up, and nails and estetics and things like that.

I’ve been doing research on the local school and I’ve found the school I want to go to. I’ve applied as well.

The biggest road block in the way, as always, is the finances. I already owe on a student loan. So I can not be accepted for a new one. I’m going to be speaking with a social worker, as well as an occupational therapist to maybe gt some ideas.

I can’t get a loan, I can’t get credit. I can’t work (doctors orders).I think it’s time to start from scratch.

The school I’ve applied to go to is called Concepts. I want to start with their Hair design course first. Tuition is $10,000 for a full year. All inclusive. So that means the 48 week training, the provincial exam, registration, books and equipment, Cosmetology Association fees, WHMIS and First Aid training, grad fees entrepreneurship program, job search and resume help and reception training. I like the idea of this institution because of the types of training you’ll be recieving (entreprenurial skills, and reception training). Also, after completing this course, there is the option of moving on to other courses (mare up artistry, estetics and nail design). Of course there is upgrading as well.

I think this would be a great start for me.

Now just neeed to fundraise some cash I guess…

If anyone has any ideas, let me know!

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The Downside…

27Apr09

Its been a year… A year since my life has been turned over and I had to re-evaluate everything.

Last year, things were so topsy turvy. I was in so my turmoil, that I had to ask him the only logical question I could think of.

Are you sleeping with other people?

One question that turned everything upside down.

I’ve gotten into the habit of picking up the UK editions of Cosmopolitan. The woman’s guide to…life as a strong, fabulous woman. Trust me, these editions are 100X’s better than the North American editions.

In the most recent issue, i seems to fit what I’ve been needing in a while. Feminism, powerful women, the upsides and the downsides. There is a statistic in the magazine that Iknew, but wanted to ignore. 42% of women end up in poverty after divorces.

I’ve been trying to live a life that is non-exsistant in my life, that its been driving me into a huge problem. No money. I’ve always known it’s a problem, but it wasn’t until I moved into my new place that i realized it. I’m working so hard not disappoint other people, that I’m disappointing myself.

So yes. It has been a year since Jim and I broke up. And I keep running last year’s events through my head. I keep thinking about the biggest thing he said to me.

“I just don’t love you any more.”

It hurt. It still hurts. I’m doing a lot better, but it still hurts a lot. I keep thinking, if he couldn’t love me, who could. I know, it’s a silly thought. But I think about the men in the past year that I’ve met. That have used me, and that I’ve used him right back . And I don’t even know that I could be faithful in a relationship right now. But I want some one to curl up with and to talk to and just to be with.

I want to just be, with a man.

With all these thought I keep thinking about Rolf. I didn’t feel it with Rolf, but he was a great,kind,….niave man that I ruined a great relationship with because I’m not about to be “relationship Kelly,” right now. But what’s worse is that I wanted to be relationship Kelly. I wanted that feeling.

I want that feeling that I had with Jim. I know I’m young, I’m only 22. But I wonder if I can ever have that feeling again. I really truely felt like Jim was the one. The one that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

And now that he’s gone, I wonder if its even possible that a person is mean to be with only one.

So it’s been a year, and the downside of all this is the fact that I don’t even have new questions, or new answers.

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